*** AFX/Aphex Twin: ANALORD 10+BINDER (Rephlex) ***

	£		161
	$		213

Aphex Twin.

ANALORD 10

(vinyl + binder)

Bluddy hell.

Totally wickid.

Last year, vitamin-deprived gimps from all over the world rushed like phlegmy lemmings to the Rephlex website because they felt a tell-tale ache in their pockmarks. This is known as the AFX tingle and affects young males with acne (the target demographic for the music of Richard D James). Once there they each forked out fourteen score and ten shekels for a binder made from a material spun (by the same elves who did Elton John's hair) out of the hide of Aphex's maternal great-uncle, Eric "the Major" Featheringtone, whose life harvesting birds' nests for soup from mossy crags on the outcrops of Shetland had made his outer surface pig-hardy and impervious to most known varieties of moisture.

Richard personally concealed twelve holepunched plastic sheaths and a one-hundred-and-eighty-gram round vinyl disc inside each binder. This contained two of his favourite songs, "fenixfunk5" (which is about using paragliding as a means of gauging the progression of myxomatosis among rabbit populations living on or around sugarbeet plantations), and "xmd5a" (which was inspired by Richard's personal trainer injecting botox into cumberland sausages to celebrate rising inflation rates in Zimbabwe).

Unfortunately, at the record launch party, the appearance of Rephlex Records' owner, Grut Clovis-Encephalogram, ill-advisedly wearing an outfit comprising of sixty-two mackerel skulls held together with manatee spittle and pipe cleaners, led to his being declared an "obeah man" by Haringay Council and banished to the woods next to Asda, where today he ekes out an existence bending twigs for dogfaced children to use in bomb shelters.

Luckily, Aphex Twin returns in May with his new album, "Agrah!", and has promised to get his cock out for Easter.

Until then, thrill to the hills with unalloyed gurgly orgasmic triumph at the prospect of owning one of these perfectly splendid binders along with the aforementioned 180gm audiophile-pressing limited Analord 10 black vinyl disc. The remaining plastic sheaths may be filled at your leisure with the remaining Analord discs, which, as you know, contain songs about subjects as diverse as earwig migration during news time, cheese rind as a masturbatory aid, naming logs, and telling your mum there's a man at the door when there isn't.

HERE COMES THE TEDIOUS BUT VERY IMPORTANT STUFF - DO NOT BID WITHOUT READING!

• RECORD HAS BEEN PLAYED ONLY ONCE AND IS CONSEQUENTLY IN REALLY EXCELLENT CONDITION. BINDER LIKEWISE IN EXCELLENT CONDITION. DUE TO BLITHERING IDIOCY AT REPHLEX RECORDS HOWEVER ANALORD 10 WAS SENT INSIDE ONE OF THE PLASTIC SHEATHS WHICH HAS MEANT THAT WHILE IN TRANSIT A SMALL (ROUGHLY 3-INCH) SPLIT HAS OCCURRED ON THE SPINE OF ONE OF THEM. THIS SAME PROBLEM OCCURRED WITH MOST PURCHASERS; SOME SELLERS CHOOSE NOT TO MENTION IT... GIVE ME THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR HONESTY... ANAL-RETENTIVE PERFECTION NAZIS NEED NOT APPLY.
• PAYMENT: I PREFER PAYPAL BUT WILL ACCEPT CASH (SENT REGISTERED) OR BRITISH POSTAL ORDERS. I DO NOT ACCEPT CHEQUES, MONEY ORDERS, BIG BAGS OF CRACK, LUNCHEON VOUCHERS, DINNER WITH MICHAEL CRAWFORD, OR THOSE LITTLE LADDERS FOR SPIDERS TO CLIMB OUT OF THE BATH.
• WINNERS MUST PAY WITHIN TEN DAYS OF AUCTION ENDING OTHERWISE YOU RISK HURTING MY FEELINGS (AND GETTING BAD FEEDBACK, AND A POSSIBLE VOODOO CURSE).
• I WILL POST WORLDWIDE. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT WILL COST THOUGH. IF YOU ARE ONE OF THESE STRANGE 'OVERSEAS' TYPES LET ME KNOW AND I WILL GRUDGINGLY GO AND FIND STUFF OUT ABOUT POSTAGE RATES.
• DO NOT BID IF YOU HAVE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK OR NO INTENTION OF PAYING. THIS AUCTION IS ALSO NOT OPEN TO DANIEL O'DONNELL. OR WEREWOLVES. SORRY.
• ITEM WILL BE SENT BY ROYAL MAIL FIRST CLASS POST, PACKAGED IN BUBBLEWRAP, INSIDE THE BOX IT CAME IN, WITHIN TWO WORKING DAYS OF RECEIPT OF PAYMENT.
• I ALWAYS RETAIN PROOF OF POSTAGE AND ACCEPT NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIEVING POSTMEN, ACTS OF GOD OR ACTS OF DOGS (OR FRESHWATER FISH).
• ONE OF THE PICTURES WITH THIS LISTING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT - SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT WHICH ONE.
• CHECK MY FEEDBACK - PRETTY DAMN GOOD. THE LAST INSTANCE OF NEGATIVE FEEDBACK IS NEARLY A YEAR OLD, AND FROM A HAPPY HARDCORE FAN (SO IT DOESN'T COUNT).
• I'M TRYING TO MAKE SOME MONEY SO I CAN MOVE TO BRIGHTON. I'M TIRED OF BEDFORD - DULL AS FECK. PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!